Filmed with a GoPro Hero 3 Silver
For highlights from the first part of our journey in Bangkok, click here.
When I was invited to Denver with 4R Innovations to showcase our furniture at the Green Festival, I hadn’t anticipated the kinds of contacts I was to make; everything from green building products to eco-tourism were on display, and when I discovered the booth across from us had budget-friendly volunteer opportunities in Central America to help sea turtles, I was on board instantly. I took a volunteer card home with me and it sat on my desk for about three months.
One night I was wondering what to do between my summer and fall semesters at college when I remembered the card. On a whim, I decided I was going to email Brad Nahill, the man in charge of See Turtles and inquire about volunteer opportunities. His speedy response directed me to a few options within my price range of $20 a day. One option – a homestay with three meals a day in a village called Parismina, Costa Rica – really jumped out at me. With little to no money in my bank account, I booked a ticket to San Jose, Costa Rica.
Not including the redeye flight from Salt Lake City to Costa Rica, the ride to Parismina is a four-hour adventure in itself. After a bus ride from San Jose to Siquirres, a ride in a taxi that wasn’t afraid to ford the small rivers to Caño Blanco, and a boat ride in pitch black darkness, my travel partner and I arrived to Parismina – an island still unknown to us. In my best broken Spanish, I explained to the captain of our tiny vessel that we were volunteering for the sea turtle association. He must have understood me, because upon arriving on the island he was gracious enough to walk us directly to the information center in the middle of the village; which is the headquarters of Asociacion Salvemos Las Tortugas De Parismina, or ASTOP for short. After a long day of traveling, we had finally made it to our destination. We were informed that we would be walking the beach from 8pm until midnight that very night; we were on our way to save some turtles… or so we thought.
The first two nights were the longest. High expectations of turtle salvation had really gotten our hopes up. Our first shift, from 8 until midnight, proved uneventful. The following night we were told that we were assigned the midnight to 4am, which turned out to be a bit more stimulating. Not because of the turtles, but more because of the torrential downpours and close proximity of lightning strikes that lit up the sky and beach. It was eerily beautiful.
Our hopes of spotting turtles had diminished significantly by the third night. Fortunately for us, we were assigned the 8 until midnight shift again – which we had anticipated to be another long, monotonous walk on the beach. The shift started out as ordinary as the previous two nights. We met our guide at the Leatherback Shack and headed to the beach. Within ten minutes of walking our guide stopped us in our tracks. With our guide only speaking Spanish there was a bit of a language barrier, but with what little Spanish we knew we pieced together that there was a turtle just up ahead and she was laying her eggs. Our time had come. We were told to wait by the turtle while our guide found the other group that was patrolling the beach so they could see the turtle as well. When the other group arrived we quietly walked to where the turtle had decided to lay its eggs, and with our red flashlights, I got my first glimpse of the massive amphibian. Huddled around the turtle with the other volunteers, we watched as the turtle laid its eggs in the meter deep hole that she had dug. When the turtle was finished laying her eggs, she was tagged, measured and all the data of her nesting recorded. We then waited as she covered her hole to protect her future offspring. While in the process of waiting one of our group members, an Italian fellow, went walking to see if more turtles were in the area. He quickly came running back exclaiming: “Tortuga! Tortuga!” We hurried down the beach to find another turtle making her way back to the sea. She had come to shore, but unfortunately decided not to lay her eggs that night.
Later in the night, following our first two turtle experiences, we were greeted with yet another egg-laying turtle. This time, however, it was time for us to get dirty. We came across her right before she had started laying her eggs. It was a prime opportunity to gather the eggs and relocate them to the “vivero” in an attempt to hide them from the poachers who would sell them on the streets of Siquirres as a form of natural Viagra. Laying belly first in the sand, we were handed a rubber glove and a bag, and told to gather and count the eggs as she laid them. I was to gather 50 and my friend was to gather the rest. I was quite happy to have been given the responsibility of only gathering 50 since the turtle happen to lay 138 eggs that night. I never realized how heavy an egg could be until walking through the sand for two miles carrying a bag of 50. The work was hard and the wait was worth it. Although only 1 out of every 100 hatchlings will grow to be a full size turtle, I feel that we helped do our part that night to help save these incredible animals from extinction.
Even having traveled through Europe and all over the U.S., I had never experienced a place quite like Parismina. The tiny island village off the Caribbean coast of Costa Rica has a population of only 400 people; the roads are made of dirt, the housing is basic, the language is 99% Spanish, and for me, a place “off the beaten path”. The village has come together, with the help of volunteers and donations, to help save the turtles from extinction by poachers and irresponsible human action. I was warned that volunteering was not going to be a walk in the park. In addition to patrolling the beach for four hours a night, we also helped scrape paint, plant trees, and clean up the trash-ridden seashore. For $20 a night and a little hard work, I couldn’t have asked for a better experience.
The drive to Daniel’s Summit was long and cold. The snowy mountain road was indicative of the opening sequence of The Shining. There was no cell service where we were going and the Wi-Fi was supposedly fair at best. No Internet makes John a dull boy and I was hoping not to fall into a murderous rampage that would surely ruin the weekend for everyone. I’ve been to the area once before at least five years ago, but that trip was for a different reason in the middle of the summer, and even then I remember it being cold. The temperature only climbs so high once you reach a certain altitude, and although this isn’t the Andes or the Himalayas, it is still higher (and colder) than most places I spend my time nowadays. In places like these, the only living things that solely eat plants are the animals whose heads decorate the walls of local hunting cabins. A vegetarian would struggle to spend the winter in a place like this. A vegan could possibly starve. The weekend I spent here was a taste of a world that I forgot existed, void of the “liberal” eating habits I had grown accustomed to while living in New York City. But like everything in life, I made the best of what was available and managed to enjoy myself in the process.
I was going to the lodge for an event that involved many friends, both old and new. I hadn’t really planned out my eating situation, as I am used to having options wherever I go, and therefore, didn’t think I would have to. My wife is usually the one that runs into trouble since she is both vegan and gluten-free, but even with her restrictive diet there is always a solution even if it means talking directly with the chef. Being a vegetarian (meaning that eggs and dairy are still fair game) is not as hard as it seems. Things like pasta, pizza, French-fries, and omelets are technically vegetarian, although not incredibly healthy. These things are generally a last resort, because although I am not vegan, I still try to avoid most eggs and dairy. This weekend, sadly, that was not an option.
The lodge was an isolated building on a mountaintop about 20 miles Southeast of Heber City, UT. There are no services nearby, and without a car of my own, the conveniences of the closest civilization were out of my reach. Truth be told, even with a car, finding a restaurant with a vegetarian menu in Heber is still wishful thinking. What people in the east sometimes don’t realize is that Utah is the contemporary Wild West. Cattle ranches, rodeos, and demolition derbies are very real, very common things.The lodge where the event was being held was a concentrated version of this culture with every square inch bathed in rustic cowboy motif. The walls were a holocaust of decapitated prairie animals displayed for the amusement of its guests. Most of the furniture was made out of logs, antlers, and guns. Yes… guns. The leather that covered nearly every surface surpassed any amount I’ve ever seen. Every chair, every sofa, the pillows on my bed, and even the ice bucket in my room, were wrapped in tanned hide. I like to think that I have a high tolerance for human supremacy being that I grew up in the country, but the amount of carnage that went into decorating our weekend accommodations was outright excessive. Apparently, people like me are not their target demographic.
The small restaurant that was attached to the lodge celebrated the same Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show theme. Guns, animal heads, and various signs describing what a woman should be cooking decorated the walls. Needless to say, the options for vegetarians were few. There were two specials of the day – an 8-ounce prime rib and a 12-ounce prime rib. Other dishes included chicken-fried steak, chicken-fried chicken, various meat salads, and virtually every edible piece of bovine. I ordered the French fries for lunch and didn’t inquire about whether or not they were cooked in lard. Sometimes, it’s best not to know. Most of my meals consisted of deep fried food with the exception of a pasta dish for dinner one night. My 12 year-old self loved eating fried side dishes for every meal, while my 33 year-old self wanted to smack my 12 year-old self in the head for eating such shit. But that’s the way it goes for a vegetarian in the mountains during the winter. Eat shit, or starve.
Despite the dead animals and grease running through my veins, the weekend at the lodge was pleasant. The coziness of the wooden building was reminiscent of my parents’ house in Pennsylvania, and the wood-burning fireplace added to that nurturing feeling. We spent several hours next to the fire playing checkers, all the while sheltered from the sub-freezing temperatures outside. Good company always makes a difference no matter the situation. It’s the reason people survive (and prosper) in harsh situations. It doesn’t matter where you are as much as who is with you. I could have a miserable time in paradise or a great time in prison cell – perspective is everything. I made the most of my weekend in the modern-day Winterfell. Blizzards, bearskins, shoddy Internet, steaks, and more steaks – not much can stand in my way of enjoying myself if I don’t let it.
A few highlights from our trip to Hawaii in 2012.
Filmed with a Contour+2 Action Camera.
In Salt Lake City, impulsive road trips to Vegas are somewhat of a tradition. Sure, you could settle for Wendover (or as the locals call it, Bendover, since going there will surely get you fucked) and safely be home before midnight granted, you don’t run out of gas on the salt flats, but what fun would that be? Plus, what happens in Wendover doesn’t need to stay in Wendover simply because nothing ever happens there. I lived in Salt Lake City for five years and have never heard a good Wendover story. Occasionally washed up bands like Journey will recruit a new singer to bring all the 50-somethings out of hiding for a one-night nostalgia-ganza, but beyond that, old Wendover Will is pretty lifeless. That’s why when a couple of New York City hardcore bands announced they were doing a benefit show at the MGM Grand in Vegas, we decided the night before to make the six hour drive south to the most debaucherous place on earth to see them.
I got into hardcore music a lot later than most. My love for it is still as strong as ever and the reason for that is a topic for another post. Unfortunately for me, I got into the genre while living in the Utah – the black hole of hardcore – a place that touring bands intentionally avoid due to reasons I may never quite understand. Because of this, when bands like Sick of it All and Madball would announce that they would be performing a mere six hours away, it was a no-brainer to get a group together and make the drive. The first time I saw either of these bands, they did a California tour that prompted me and two friends to follow them Phish-style down the coast of Orange County. This particular show in Vegas was to benefit a pit bull rescue, which I find very admirable now that I have a heightened awareness of man’s relationship with animals. At the time, it could have been to a fundraiser to support pit bull fighting and I still would have gone. That’s how much seeing these bands meant to me.
My housemate at the time was a part of a band that practiced everyday yet never played a single show. The sound coming from the basement would become seared to my brain, and as much as I loathed it, the repeated exposure had me humming the obnoxious tune throughout most of my day. His bass player whom I never heard utter a word happened to know a girl in Vegas that told my housemate that we might possibly be able to stay with her. After a few MySpace messages back and forth, we secured a place to stay with a straight edge girl named Zoe. She was fine with us showing up after midnight, and since we were leaving after work on a Friday evening, we were expecting to get into town very late. But this was Las Vegas; there is no such thing as very late, only early for the next day. We rolled into Sin City around 2 in the morning looking to meet the woman from MySpace that agreed to let four guys into her home for the weekend, none of whom she had ever met.
We found her in some bar in some casino on the strip that I (thankfully) can’t remember the name of, surrounded by rockabilly fashionistas dressed head to toe in Ed Hardy gear. The scene frightened me, as I had never seen so much vanity in one place. Besides the fact that I didn’t have the standard $10,000 worth of tattoos that seemed to be a major part of the unwritten dress code, I don’t drink, I hate clubs, and was hungry and tired, to boot – a perfect recipe for a miserable time. Luckily, we left the club shortly after meeting and headed to a diner to eat.
We took our seats at the diner and after a standard round of casual introductions, we proceeded to look at our menus. Having been trapped in a car on I-15 South for the past 6 hours – and trapped in that godforsaken club for what seemed like 6 hours – the calmness of the diner warmed my soul like not much else could at the moment. It’s amazing how the prospect of pancakes can change a person from a rabid monster to a peaceful sleeping kitten in a matter of minutes.
Unfortunately, that transformation can easily be reversed in the face of conflict. For some reason I’ve always had problems with the British. I blame this on my family history. I was born on the outskirts of Philadelphia and it’s rumored that my family is related to John Adams and John Quincy Adams, which, if true, makes me a direct descendant of a pair of American revolutionaries. The rumor is so strong, that my middle name is Adams (yes, with an “s”, not Adam) and to top it off, I am the fifth of my name. Considering a generation is about 25 years from the birth of a person to the birth of their offspring, that puts the original John Adams Miskey being born somewhere in the mid 1800s. With John Quincy Adams serving as president from 1825-1829, it’s very possible that someone in the Miskey family decided to give their child a fan-inspired middle name of their favorite president, much like someone may name their daughter Clorisa Beyonce Smith. Either way, I have always attributed my contempt for the British to some Lamarckian trait passed down by my patriotic forefathers, and to this day, use it to justify my odd and outdated prejudice against England.
As luck seems to never be in my favor while tired and hungry, Zoe’s friend, a piss-drunk British magician by the name of Luke Jermay, had joined our table for a late night meal. The smugness radiated off of him with an intensity that made me wish he had never been born before he uttered a single word. He too, was covered in tattoos – the words COOL HAND etched across his knuckles – and donned the standard Ed Hardy costume that I grew far too accustomed to seeing that night. Although introductions were already made, old Cool Hand decided to make his own rounds, each one followed by a snappy insult that almost sounded polite, a remarkable ability achieved exclusively by the English. After annoying the living shit out of my friends, he finally got to me.
“En you ova tha’, wha’s your name?”
As much as I didn’t like the bastard from the start, if someone shows me the courtesy of an introduction, I’ll always reciprocate.
“John, what’s yours?”
“Don’t you worry about moi name… wha’ is it you do Jone?”
Now I could tell the guy was “havin’ a piss at me”, or whatever the hell it is these people say. If he had just waited until I’d eaten, I would have been a lot more pleasant to toy with, but for god’s sake, my food hadn’t gotten here yet. He was sitting in a very deadly place directly across from a hungry, pissed-off John, in the perfect position for me to lunge over the table and choke him. I somehow restrained myself.
“I do a lot of things. Why don’t you tell us what you do?”
At this point I had no idea he was Cris Angel’s unofficial sidekick, and even if I had, I wouldn’t have cared. The guy was being an asshole for the sake of being an asshole.
“I do a lot a fings, too. Every fing and nuffin, Jone. Wheh aw you frome?”
“West Chester, Pennsylvania.”
“West Chestah? I’ve been ta West Chestah. Its laaaaaaaaaaame.”
The table has now gotten uncomfortably silent except for the exchange between the Brit and I.
“Really? It’s lame? Where are you from Cool Hand?”
“Av you eva ‘eard of Lundun?”
“Yes, actually I’ve been to (in my dirtiest from-the-slums-of-East-London cockney accent) Lundun. It’s laaaaaaaaaame. Just like the rest of England.”
This seemed to strike a nerve.
“Well den! EXCUSE US FOR LIBERATING YOU!” he barked across the table. I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Is that what they teach you in school? I’m pretty sure there was a revolution, and America kicked your stupid country’s ass.”
The urge to stand on the table and boot him in the head while shouting, “don’t tread on me” was overwhelming. We were heading into a very immature “my dad beat up your dad” kind of argument when Zoe called him down to her end of the table. From a distance I could hear him continue to mouth off but managed to ignore it for the rest of the night. Luckily, my pancakes arrived, thus diffusing the situation and distracting me enough to discontinue caring about his pompous attitude.
When we finished eating and our British friend had parted, Zoe said that we could go back to her house, so we piled in our car and followed her to somewhere far off the strip. We pulled into an apartment complex in nowheresville Nevada a little after 3 am. Walking towards her place, Zoe apologized profusely about the mess we were about to encounter, explaining that she hadn’t had time to clean for several days. The way she described it I expected we would be walking into a hoarder’s home, which I dreaded, since the only mess I can seem to stand is my own. At the front door, Zoe quickly unlocked the deadbolt for us and ran back to her car, frantically explaining that she had to take care of something very important, but she’d be back in about 15 minutes. We opened the door to find not only the exact opposite of the mess she had warned up about, but rather a completely empty apartment. Actually, it wasn’t completely empty; there was, in fact, a small sofa and a picture hanging on the wall, but beyond that, it looked as if she had just moved in. The four of us congregated in the vacant space wondering if perhaps we were in the wrong apartment. We briefly considered leaving, getting a hotel room, and pretending we never met Zoe, but decided an empty apartment with a seemingly clean floor to sleep on would serve a similar purpose and cost a lot less money.
Zoe returned around 5 in the morning as frantic as she left. We all talked for a little while, laughed about her British friend, and finally fell asleep after the sun came up. Around 8 in the morning, she came out of her bedroom to go to work, instructed us to lock the door when we left, and we never saw her again.
The following day we slept until noon and hung out in Zoe’s empty home through the hottest part of the day. Although it was March, the heat still baked Las Vegas throughout the early afternoon, and we were grateful to have someplace to hang out that wasn’t a casino. The show wasn’t scheduled to start until 10 pm so we knew we had plenty of time to lose our money later that evening. I’m not a gambling man – the thought of giving my money to any person that has more than me in exchange for a cheap thrill reminds me too much of using drugs – but when you have 12 hours to kill in Las Vegas, even the morally opposed will spend a few minutes on the penny slots.
The day was a long, blurred sequence of events ranging from eating plate after plate of bread sticks at the Olive Garden to losing what little money I had on game show themed slots –nothing exciting enough to recall in detail. As the clock ticked down, we found out that the show, originally scheduled for 10 pm at the MGM Grand, had been moved to midnight at the House of Blues in Mandalay Bay. This was a potential problem since we hadn’t planned on finding accommodations for the night, nevertheless, a problem worth worrying about after the show. We decided to go to the House of Blues early, as we had nothing better to but wander around casinos and spend money that we didn’t have. When we arrived, we saw that the marquee read Charlie Murphy was performing at 10 pm with the Great Pit Ball to follow at midnight. As most concerts, comedy shows, and the like, the Charlie Murphy crowd didn’t leave the small venue until well after midnight, and the tattooed patrons in camouflage shorts were not allowed to enter until after 1 am. For anyone that has ever been to a hardcore show, this is very atypical. Hardcore is one of the few musical acts I have ever been to where shows generally start and end on time, a minor asset that draws me even closer to the genre.
As the opening bands played, it was obvious that security was tight; this has always been the case at other House of Blue brand shows I’ve attended. The “no moshing” signs didn’t seem to be for decoration, but an actual ordinance that was to be enforced by the ten or so security guards stationed in front of the stage. This resulted in many ejections during the first few bands, something I was completely fine with, since the rowdy ones were people who had been drinking most of the evening and in all honesty, didn’t have the spatial awareness to be slam dancing anywhere near me. By the time Madball performed, the crowd had thinned out significantly. Freddy Madball told the crowd that this was their show and that the bouncers couldn’t stop them from moshing. This got everyone riled up and even more people kicked out. When the headlining band, Sick of it All, was about to go on, the people still on their feet were outnumbered by bouncers two to one. This included me and my few friends, a guy named Jake I had previously met in Salt Lake City (and have since seen at shows in Brooklyn), and a few other stragglers that had not given up on what was sure to be a great night. They took the stage around 3:30 in the morning. Lou Koller opened with a beautiful scream achievable only by him, “WHAT’S UP EVERYBODYYYYYYY!!!! WE ARE SICK OF IT ALL FROM NEW YORK CITY!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL DOING AWAKE?!?!?!” At this point, the small crowd was rowdy, ready to mosh, and didn’t give a damn about getting kicked out. Here we were, hundreds of miles away from home, awake for 20 hours, and ready to see a band that hadn’t play in Utah since the 90’s. My favorite record was an album recorded at Gilman Street called Live in a Dive. It’s an album I recommend to anyone listening to SOIA for the first time, since 90% of the songs they are likely to hear at a live performance, and anyone who knows hardcore music knows that albums are simply to learn the songs for when you go to a live show.
Good Looking Out, Call to Arms, Just Look Around, Step Down, and of course, Clobberin’ Time were some of the hits I remember them playing that night, but the encore, Us vs. Them is what really sticks out about this particular show. All night, every front man was inhibited by bouncers from stepping off the stage and into the crowd in order to give the audience a chance to sing along, a practice very conventional of hardcore shows. During the encore, Lou jumped off the stage to let us sing. This naturally turned into what is known as “the glorious pile-on” as depicted in their 1994 Step Down video, where the crowd climbs over each other in an attempt to have their chance at singing a word or two into the microphone. Of course, as was the theme of the evening, this glorious moment was met by the Gestapo violently pulling people off of the pile in a final attempt to enforce their silly rules. As the lyrics were being sung, and the pile grew larger and more aggressive; an overwhelming feeling of passion for hardcore music took hold of me.
Brother! I’ll always look out for you, if I feel it back.
Sister! We’ll brave the outside world, off the beaten track.
The pile of people clawing to reach Lou seemed to climb to the ceiling, regardless of the fact that there was only about ten of us. Even though we were heavily outnumbered, our oppressors were motivated by the fact that their jobs required them to keep people in line, whereas we were motivated by much more. In a flurry of chaos, a gargantuan security officer started ripping kids off the pile two at a time. My friend Greg seized the opportunity to use this man as a prop for which to vault onto the very pile he was attempting to dissipate. He hung onto the man’s shoulders and rode the monster into the middle of the dance floor like a raging bull, which allowed the pile to grow more powerful and uncontrollable by the smaller, less dedicated bouncers. The mountain of hardcore kids formed like Voltron – fewer in numbers, yet stronger in synergy – to finally take control of what was theirs from the beginning.
When it’s us versus them, you can always count on me.
When it’s us versus them, it’s a global unity.
The show concluded around 5 in the morning. The adrenaline produced by the early morning riot ran heavy in our blood, and riding this wave, we decided to make the trek back to Salt Lake City that day. By the time we hit St. George, one of Utah’s southern-most cities, the rush had worn off and alternative plans were decided. We stopped at a hotel around 7 am and after speaking with a clerk, managed to rent a room until 11 for $40, an amount well-worth not dying in a car accident on I-15 through some of the most boring desert scenery known to man.
The following day, we told the story of our trip to Justin’s girlfriend who had urged us not to go, saying that the entire plan sounded like a bad idea. Imprinted on her face was a look of “I told you so” as the details of our voyage unfolded. Justin, the most soft-spoken of our group –who was not actually into hardcore music at all, but simply joined us for the adventure – was known for frequently submitting to his girlfriend’s requests of what she thought would be best for him. In a rebellious, uncharacteristic act, he protested her disapproval of our trip, stating that although things didn’t go as planned, they went exactly how they were supposed to, which made for a fun and exciting weekend that would not have happened if we had listened to her. Justin didn’t mosh, stage dive, or partake in the glorious pile-on; however, the spirit of the weekend had impacted him, if only in a small way. I have always been a believer that the most rewarding experiences have no plans, most likely because planned experiences have certain expectations, and expectations, even when satisfied, diminish the returns gained from experience.
More information about The Great Pit Ball can be found here.
We arrived in La Fortuna after sundown, which in Costa Rica, is fairly early. The bed and breakfast, if that’s what you want to call it, was presumably expecting us. Despite the windy, poor excuses for roads that the Garmin decided to direct us down, we were approaching town right on target. Unfortunately, like in many Latin American countries, establishments don’t always have addresses that we are used to seeing in the States. For example, I live at 453 78nd Street in Brooklyn, NY. That means that my home is located on 78nd Street, and since my house number is in the range of 400-500, that means that it is between 4th and 5th avenues. It’s a pretty good system if you ask me. This particular business, Los Dos Perros B & B, was located 2 blocks north of the school. That’s it – no numbers, no street name, nothing. I encountered addresses like these before while in Nicaragua and my desired location was “izquierda en calle de la Pepsi”, meaning, make a left at the Pepsi sign. But in Nicaragua, I was not visiting a business, I was visiting a person’s home. The bed and breakfast was a business, somebody’s livelihood, and the only directions I had were “2 blocks north of the school”. That being said, when we arrived in La Fortuna, I decided to call Los Dos Perros and find out exactly where this place was.
Having a cell phone overseas makes a world of difference. It can be the deciding factor between having to sleep in the street or your rental car, and finding the place you’re looking for. Once, when I was in the Czech Republic, it was very late and I was having a hard time finding my hostel. After trying to decipher the street system of Prague based on signs I could barely read, I decided to say fuck the roaming fees and call the hostel I was supposed to be sleeping at that night. Luckily, someone answered and was able to give me simple directions that led me to my destination, thus easing the panic built up from being lost in a strange place by myself. I wish that phoning Larry, the owner and operator of Los Dos Perros, would had provided such a simple solution.
“Hi, my name is John, I’m in La Fortuna and I’m trying to find your place.”
“Oh, hi, where are you?”
“I’m on the corner of via 142 and calle 472 in front of the Alamo car rental.”
“Hmmmmm…” (long silence) “Hey Bob, do you know where the Alamo car rental is? What else is it near?”
“Well it’s a one-way street…”
“Oh ok, well what you need to do is make a U-turn.”
“I can’t make a U-turn, it’s a one-way street.”
“Oh, yeah… (laughs) I guess you’re right.”
“So what else are you near?”
As I described everything around me, I assumed at some point the light bulb in Larry’s head would turn on and he would suddenly know where we were, but as we later found out, the light bulb in Larry’s head had burned out long ago and he had no idea it was in need of replacing. When the frustration settled in, I handed the phone off to my wife, who in most cases is the least patient of the two of us, but somehow managed to refrain from calling him an imbecile for longer than I was capable.
“Do you see a gas station around you?”
“Well when you see the gas station, then I can give you directions from there.”
“Well where’s the gas station?”
“It’s… it’s really hard to say…”
“Ok… is there only one gas station?”
“Yeah, there’s only one.”
We start driving. I ask directions in broken Spanish. We find the gas station.
“Ok, we’re at the gas station.”
“At the only one, you said there’s only one.”
“No, there are two.”
“Ok, so now there are two gas stations?”
It was apparent from the beginning that this guy had no clue where his business was located. In Ocotal, Nicaragua, buildings don’t have addresses because there are no street names, but we were in La Fortuna, Costa Rica, a town whose economy is fueled by tourism, and here, the streets are named and buildings have numbers. This guy simply had no idea what his address was and was too burnt to figure it out. Following the directions he gave my wife, we eventually end up on a dirt road leading out of town.
“Ok, so what kind of road is your place on? Is it paved or unpaved?”
“Well… It’s kind of paved… but it might be unpaved… ”
“Ok, well when you told us to take a right, it took us to an unpaved road.”
“Well, when you made that right, you should’ve made a left. I don’t think our brains connected on that last one.”
It felt like he was giving us clues to a riddle of which he didn’t quite know the answer. Every right and left he suggested was a blind guess at best. After much protest, Larry finally let us get off the phone (he insisted we stay on until we arrived) so I could leverage the Google maps app to locate a hotel he said was near his. This happened to be the one piece of reliable information that Larry communicated to us, and in a few minutes, we arrived at Los Dos Perros.
I’ve stayed in many hotels, hostels, guesthouses, and bed and breakfasts, so I’m accustomed of the conventions of checking-in. Usually, I arrive at a front desk of sorts and tell the person my name. They then look in a computer or book, see that I am scheduled to be there for x amount of nights, and complete the check-in process. When we arrived at Los Dos Perros, I finally meet the man who doesn’t know where he lives, and without surprise, he has no idea that we are supposed to be staying there.
While I was on the phone with him, I assumed Larry was a long-haired 20-something that was escaping life in the States by running a shoddy bed and breakfast in Costa Rica. As it turned out, he was a no-haired 50-something that was escaping life in the States by running a shoddy bed and breakfast in Costa Rica. Los Dos Perros seemed to have not been a functioning bed and breakfast for some time, and the vegetarian restaurant attached to the B & B, of which Barry was also owner and operator, was basically his kitchen with a menu scribbled on the wall of standard vegetarian fare, none of which was orderable.
“Hey! You must be Lily,” he says to my wife, who is actually named Tara. “I owe you a beer! Do you have a reservation?”
“Yes we do, my name is John. We’re staying for three nights.”
This information was met with a blank stare.
“Oh, that’s cool… Where did you book it?”
“On the internet.”
“Oh… Like… On a website?”
He explained that his wife sometimes handles reservations and that he doesn’t always know when people are coming, which I found odd, since he, not his wife, was the one standing behind the counter when we arrived. I later found out that the counter/front desk was also his personal hangout and makeshift bar for him and Bob, his stoner neighbor who made Larry look like a complete genius. I fumbled through the email on my phone until I found a receipt for three nights that we unfortunately already paid for.
“Oh! Looks like you paid for the full package. That means all food is included.”
The reason we picked Los Dos Perros was because my wife has pretty serious dietary restrictions, wherein she cannot eat dairy, eggs, meat, or gluten (wheat). Second only to vegan restaurants, vegetarian places are usually very aware of the ingredients that are in their food, and since there are not many vegan choices (none, actually) in La Fortuna, we decided that a vegetarian bed and breakfast would be our best bet. Some of her restrictions are by choice, particularly the animal products, but there are very serious health consequences if she eats gluten. On a trip to Puerto Rico, she was poisoned by gluten multiple times, which resulted in her being covered in hives for the next several weeks. It was very unsettling knowing that the man that didn’t know his own address would be responsible for preparing gluten-free, vegan food for my wife.
As we stood at the counter waiting for Larry to figure out our accommodations, an overwhelming feeling of “what the fuck are we doing” came over me. I felt like a kid getting dropped off at summer camp for the first time preparing to endure the humiliation of having to shit in an outhouse for the next week. We stood there conversing with stoner Bob for the next 20 minutes while Larry searched for the key to our room. As it turns out, both Bob and Larry grew up near my parents’ house in Pennsylvania, a fact that chipped away at what little pride I had about being from my home town. Finally, we were shown to our room, which he graciously upgraded for us. On the way to our room, he again apologized for the confusion in finding the place, and said, “well, at least it’s not your honeymoon…” As if the situation wasn’t uncomfortable enough, it actually was our honeymoon.
We opened the door to our “upgraded” room to find what looked more like a storage closet for beds. The small room consisted of a king-size bed, a queen-size bed, and a bunk bed, organized so that a small path snaked between them from one end to the other. “Wow” I said, “there’s an awful lot of beds in here.” Judging by the look on Barry’s face, I thought I accidentally said, “Wow, Barry! Your mom is a big whore.” He was obviously offended that his gratuitous upgrade wasn’t what we hoped it would be. He proceeded to show us our originally booked room – a queen-sized bed in a room the exact size as a queen-sized bed – which made our mattress bounce-house look all the more appealing. Honestly, if not for the ant infestation we encountered later that night, it wouldn’t have been so bad.
As mentioned before, the menu for the Flying Potato Vegetarian Restaurant, the sister business to Los Dos Perros, was more for decoration than actual ordering. Larry decided our meals for us, often on the fly. Breakfasts, lunches, and dinners were hit or miss, but mostly miss. Luckily, there is no shortage of coffee and fruit in Costa Rica, which made breakfasts safe and easy. One day, we went on a very wet and rainy hike to see Arenal Volcano, the main attraction in La Fortuna. Unfortunately, the hike itself was a bust since we saw no volcano, but rather an extremely foggy forest due to the massive amount of rain we received. On the bright side, Larry made us a cold salad consisting of fresh veggies, chickpeas, and balsamic vinaigrette, of which he allowed Tara to check the label. This turned out to be the best prepared meal of our stay. Dinners were thankfully safe for Tara, but not very flavorful since Larry couldn’t use his standard Sazón seasoning since it contained hints of wheat. The pumpkin soup was nothing more than pumpkin puree, water, and an excessive amount of pepper. The cauliflower “scrambled eggs” seemed to follow the same recipe – cauliflower puree, water, and a little less pepper than the soup. Needless to say, although the food was secure for my wife and her allergies, it was underwhelming and simply stopped us from being hungry until we left.
On the second day of our three night stay, we made a decision to leave early. To be honest, this decision was made the moment we arrived, but since we had already paid, we decided to stick it out for two of the three nights. I’ve certainly stayed in worse places, but this was our honeymoon, a time where everything should be at least as close to perfect as possible. This wasn’t a standard backpack-around-Costa Rica-and-enjoy-every-experience-because-you’re-young-and-life-is-long kind of trip. Both my wife and I have had those types of trips. Trips where everything goes wrong but you land in the most interesting situations make for captivating stories, but are often nerve-racking while you are experiencing them. This was supposed to be a flawless, relaxing trip to a beautiful B & B in the mountains during our honeymoon. In retrospect, just like my other travel experiences that didn’t go as planned, there are lessons to be learned, and at the very least, great conversations to be had because of people like Larry. The fact that it was our honeymoon didn’t exempt us from the funny things that happen when you go to another country. Things are hardly ever what you imagine they are going to be, regardless of how many pictures you see or how many Trip Advisor reviews you read. Los Dos Perros was given five stars with no mention of the incompetent innkeeper that ran the place, which had me questioning the reliability of the few reviews I read. Either way, it didn’t ruin the rest of our trip. Honeymoon or not, it was full of the standard unexpected surprises and colorful characters that make travel (and life) interesting and worth the trouble.
The names and places mentioned in this post have been changed. Although we had a negative experience at this particular establishment, I don’t feel it is right to publicly bash the proprietor or his business.